La Mammina

just can't blog

I'm afraid I'm not really getting much enjoyment from blogging these days.

The reason why I started blogging in the first place was so that I could contribute to the blog community. I liked reading other people's blogs and felt that I should somehow reciprocate.

But reading too many blogs is getting me down. I spend way too much time reading and "getting inspired" and no time actually making or doing anything.

And there are just so many blogs out there, my little musings seem so superfluous, I don't really see the point anymore.

I've been feeling this way for a while now and then last week the hard drive on my Mac gave up the ghost and I lost a year's worth of photos. And just before that I got so sick I ended up in hospital for four days.

Now that was a glum experience.

Everything seems to be breaking and I need to re-set myself.

I'm not signing off for good. I just want to get hold of myself again. That way, when I return, I might feel like I have something to offer this community rather than just spitting out cliches and worn out ideas.

Thank you for following me until now and I look forward to getting back here refreshed.

Bye for now and see you some time in the not too distant future.

spirit

I have been terribly saddened and distressed by the awful devastation that took place in Victoria last weekend. 

I can't even begin to understand the fear and terror of those who had to experience such a fury of nature.

The first two days, I could not even bring myself to read the stories that were emerging, and now can only do so with tears of empathy.

Particularly emotive are, of course, the stories where children are involved. 

Can you imagine it. Fleeing from an inferno in the family car with your little ones frightened beyond belief. Some of these families didn't even make it out of their driveways. 

Some got to the road only to be stopped by fallen trees.

Or the radiant heat that kills.

There are stories of survival though, and of courage. 

And the coming together of a nation in support. 

The Australian Red Cross has raised $60 million already.

So many of the people who fight the fires are volunteers. And then there are the charities that organise the local relief efforts. 

The head of the local Red Cross in Yea is a 75 year old woman, who is doing a remarkable job of masterminding the supply of shelter, food, clothing and basic supplies to thousands of people left with nothing.

She said that it is much different to what she would usually be doing. 

Sitting at home, crafting.

The average Australian is often confronted with news of bush fires. 

But we have never seen something like this before.

Of course, I am lucky, I didn't have to experience that fear or loss, but I feel for my fellow Australians and my thoughts are with them.

If you feel you want to do something, there are ways.

http://www.redcross.org.au

http://handmadehelpsout.blogspot.com 

snowy

No chance of snow here, but I thought I would evoke it with a little pure and glossy meringue.

Except I forgot that the oven is broken. It only heats to the very hottest temperature (hardly ideal for meringue). And I halved the quantity of egg whites but forgot to halve the rest of the ingredients. Whoops.

Oh, and of course, my cheap $20 dollar electric beaters decided to bite the dust half way through. I've got to hand it to them, they lasted for five years of some pretty intensive baking, so I couldn't really hold it against them.

Never to be deterred, I forged onwards, hoping that double the sugar wouldn't make them too sweet.

I reminded myself that once upon a time there weren't thermostat controlled ovens and people still managed to make things like meringues. And there would have been a lot of hand whisking done in those days too.

So I turned the oven on, heated it up, and then turned it off again. I was fairly concerned that the uncontrolled temperatures and high sugar content would mean they would burn very easily, so I actually left the oven door open for most of the time.

They did end up browning a little too much and their texture is a bit too grainy. But given the adversity they started with, I think they pulled through rather well.

So let's talk up right mixers. Is the prohibitively expensive and highly revered KitchenAid the only way to go. Or can I get away with something else a bit more affordable?

good things

I really have some great readers out there. There are some of you who have followed this slow moving, often boring blog of mine for quite a long time, cheering me along with your kind and thoughtful comments, taking the time to commiserate when I'm feeling glum, basically just giving two hoots about me. You guys are the best.

So I sounded pretty miserable for a while there. But really, I am quite ok.

I decided this year that I was going to try to get a little more 'honest' with this blog and try to use it as a sort of a journal. But I certainly didn't mean for it to turn into a series of 'woe is me' entries like my high school diaries were. 

Oh the trauma, the pain, the incomprehension of being a teenager. I held on to those diaries for years and last year do you know what I did? I threw them out.

They were disgusting, whining, pitiful things. No one understands me, no one loves me, why don't people like me? why don't I have a boyfriend? I can't stand this life, I'm going to run away and join the cast of Home and Away (yeah, I was serious) etc etc

Eurgh...so boring and so miserable and not really an accurate reflection of how my life was.

But, that is not going to happen on this blog. No.

I've got good things in my life. Things like sippets and a girl who loves school, good news from far away friends and a really beautiful family.

And I've got a Brisbane that does its best to make things work for me.

The weekend before Tilly started school I took Tilly and Feath to a big festival they were having at the Gallery of Modern Art (GoMa). There were heaps of interactive activities with the artists there to help out. Most of them were especially for kids and we had a great time getting involved. One of them was a little interview with a musician who had a conversation with each participating child about something they wanted to say to someone, but had never done it. The four musicians involved then went away for an hour an a half and composed a song that told all the little stories.

There was a big stage set up amongst the exhibits and at the arranged time everyone assembled to listen to the music.

It was fantastic! The musicians were very talented and everyone's story got included. Some were cute about telling the family dog how much he was loved, and some were a little more profound like wondering why another little kid ignored them. It was all done in a very sweet and entertaining way and left everyone in the audience grinning.

When we had participated in just about everything there was on offer, we wandered over to the State Library where they had been running a circus theme for the month of January. We arrived just as they pulled out some brilliant circus costumes for kids to try on and perform in a circus parade.

There were strong man costumes, lion tamers, a ringmaster and many more. All beautifully made and with a consistent red colour theme, they looked really impressive when all the kid lined up.

Tilly was a slack rope walker, and Feath a stunt clown. I hadn't taken the camera so only came away with a grainy image of the two of them waiting for the parade to start.

It was such a fun day for both them and me, and what's more it was all free! 

We even parked under the Art Gallery and had to walk through to get to the festivities and Tilly and I gawked at the Grace Cossington Smith, Arthur Boyd, Arthur Streeton, William Dobell and Margaret Preston beauties that were on display.

See, Brisbane really is good to me.

Lighten up, there's always sippets

Sippets are cubes of bread fried crisp in olive oil.

Sippets taste delicious.

Sippets make me happy.

Sippets went into my ham and barley soup which, can I just say, was mighty fine.

No more grumbling around here. Everything is ok.

Alti e bassi

A Tilly Sandwich

The ups and downs of moving interstate.

Brisbane is a pretty city.

But, there is no beach.

The weather is hot and sunny.

But, there is no beach.

We get to live in a much nicer house than would be possible in Sydney.

But we have no friends or family to invite over to lounge around on our back deck.

We live in a proper neighbourhood, where everyone knows everyone and kids of all ages abound.

But, I feel like an interloper and they all have lives outside the neighbourhood which we do not.

We live much closer to my brother and his family. Only 2 hours away, rather than 9.

But, we left my Mum behind in Sydney.

I love the precinct that houses the State Library, The Gallery of Modern Art, The Art Gallery and The Museum.

But, I have no one to go with.

Tilly gets to go to a fantastic public school.

But, Andrew's job, which led us here, has awful hours. He works all weekend. His days off are Monday and Tuesday, which is of course when Tilly is at school.

Brisbane is a great city with plenty of opportunity for young families. I look around me and think that this is where I want to be, but I MISS MY FRIENDS. AND MY MUM.

Plus, possums get onto the back deck and wee everywhere. It stinks.  

Australia, school and confidence

It was Australia Day (though some call it Invasion Day and I do wish we could advance as a nation so that it doesn't have to be an issue anymore, but unfortunately I can't see any adequate resolutions happening anytime in the near future) on Monday so we celebrated in typical style by having a barbeque with friends.

Actually, it was neighbours and it was a picnic because the park we were at didn't have a barbeque.

Oh how we love our neighbours. Right from the start they have made us feel welcome in our new city.

There were kids of all ages and the older ones helped the little ones on all the play equipment. So the really big ones (i.e us) didn't have to do it.

We made fresh lemonade (as per Tilly's request), roasted chickens, chunky tomato and pepper salad, potato salad (made with my very own mayonnaise) and the totally adorable mini pavlovas with raspberries and blueberries that I neglected to photograph because by the time I served them, I was ever so slightly tipsy. 

And then the next day was Tilly's first day of school. It's sort of a big deal, and sort of not. You see, she's just so ready to be at school. It's called Prep here in Queensland and the deal is pretty sweet. The curriculum is play led and the staff to student ratio is good. 

She looks incredibly sweet (and oh so grown up) in her school uniform and I just feel so happy that she loves it and is excited about school. I know there will come a time when she starts to resent it, but at least she is starting with the right attitude.

There is, of course, the little matter of watching your child move into the next phase of her life and that can be a bit confronting. But she is ready, she is more than capable and she has been such a wonderful 0-4.5 year old Tilly that I can only be excited at the prospect of the schoolgirl version.

I'm so proud of her, and where she is going.

Which leads me to confront a different issue. 

My husband is feeling the pressure of providing for a family. He doesn't want to be the sole provider anymore. He wants me to return to work, in a substantial way.

My initial reaction is NO!

I look at Tilly and feel like my being by her side all day, every day has contributed to the bright gem she has become. How could I not give that opportunity to little Feather?

Maybe I am looking at it in the wrong way, but I feel as though returning to work would detract from the essence of family that I have attempted to create. How can my energies be focused on the home when they are directed outside the home?

Also, can he not recognise the sort of mother I have been to our children so far, does he not think that our relationship might be a bit different if I was out of the home on a regular basis?

And this is the big one. Does he really think that me as a stay at home mother, that I don't "provide" for our family. Doesn't he think there is enough value in what I do?

All this makes me angry and upset, and I find it particularly hurtful that his only solution for his own problem (stress) is for me to make changes to my life. I have offered him support and solutions on how he might manage stress, all of which he has blatantly ignored.

But, while a lump still comes to my throat when I think about it, I have decided to explore the idea a bit. After all, I do have the intention of returning to work (school hours) when the children are both at school. The problem with this is that I will have been out of the workforce for quite a number of years. How on earth do I start back in? I have ridiculously high expectations and any job that took me out of my home would have to be fulfilling. But am I good enough for what I would consider a fulfilling job?

Re-training? Is that the answer. I looked at some Post-Graduate course outlines in areas that I might be interested in and I felt a rush of nerves. I don't think I could sit through lectures again, or do group assignments that hardly resemble real world group participation. And exams just kill me. I still have nightmares about sitting my undergraduate exams and HSC.

I suppose it all comes down to a lack of confidence. I just don't think I can do it. I had sort of resigned myself to never having a career again. But what am I supposed to do. 

It's so ridiculous. I don't actually want a job.

But if I have to have one, I really don't want to have a shit job.

Oh, and if you happen to be a member of my extended family and are reading this, can you please keep it to yourself. It's for me and Andrew to sort out on our own, thanks. 

6 things

Christmas Day 2008

I've been tagged.

1_ I'm  interested in getting to know my spiritual self better... I think I might start with yoga. (Now where to find a good teacher...)

2_ I physically resemble my mother and my grandmother (it's quite uncanny), but my daughter looks like she belongs to someone else.

3_ I always dress my salads with just olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt and pepper. And I just mix it on my plate then and there (first the oil, then the vinegar then the salt and pepper). 

4_ I think I want another baby,(or is it just that I want to be the sort of woman who has three children)

5_ My husband is missing a front tooth. (he's still handsome though)

6_I've never had a dishwasher until recently and I must confess, I don't find them that helpful.

Now I'm going to tag the first commenter from each of my last 6 posts.

Donna, Corrie, Ali, Leslie, Sue, and Lin.     

Found

He came home! After 23 days missing.

Lying in bed this morning, trying to go back to sleep with the kids crawling all over me. I heard a miaow.

I wasn't sure, I pricked up my ears, and sure enough, there came another miaow.

I jumped out of bed, ran out to the front verandah and there was Keys. I picked him up and cuddled him, the rest of the family cowering around for a look - was it him? yes, yes, yes.

He went straight for his food and couldn't gobble it down fast enough. He is very skinny, so I think his diet has been made up of skinks and insects and perhaps the occasional mouse.

I'm so glad he is back. I never really wanted a cat in the first place, but he has managed to nestle his way into my heart and now I love him dearly.

Now I can get back to starting the year with a positive step.

Lost

HAVE YOU SEEN KEYS THE CAT?

He went walkabout while a family member was house/cat sitting. He's been gone for a few weeks now and it is starting to become apparent that he just might not come back.

I miss him.

Not a very happy start to the year.